Down Time

I am working from home today, ensconced here in my cushy computer chair eating leftover chicken pot pie and doing a lot of catch-up data entry, while watching Vic amusing himself in his bumper jumper in the doorway beside me. He’s bouncing around like a maniac, apparently having a grand old time swinging back and forth between the edges of the doorfram and then planting his feet to bounce bounce bounce up and down.

A few times when I’ve put him in the jumper, he’s been unhappy, but I adjusted the strap to make him hang a bit higher up and he’s a really happy camper with that. He can spin a full 360 to see all around him and try to chase after the cats. Heh.

Yesterday was really difficult — I went to work and that was something of a mistake because I broke down twice during the day and I’m not particularly comfortable crying at work. This is why I’m staying home today. I just couldn’t face the prospect of the divisional holiday party, when inside I feel so sad and still angry too, because in the back of my mind is a selfish, bratty voice saying “Grandpa should be fine, he should still be here.”

I’m frustrated because I won’t be able to go to his funeral. My days off bank is pretty much tapped out, hence why I’m working from home instead of taking a personal day. So I have to try to deal with what I’m feeling without the benefit of the ritual of a funeral. It may sound morbid, but I appreciate what funerals and memorials do, to help the living to deal with the emotions surrounding death, to help us to properly revere the departed, yet be able to move on in our own lives.

When my father’s father died several years ago, I was able to go to the funeral, even though I was studying in Europe at the time. I found the experience to be cathartic. A year later when my uncle passed away, we were unable to attend the memorial service and to this day, I still have trouble sometimes, with a sense of things left undone where my uncle is concerned.

This time I was able to visit my grandfather just a few weeks before he passed on, was able to have Vic and he meet and that helps a lot. I think I’d be even more in shock if I hadn’t been able to do that. But I still feel a deap-seated sadness and frustration that is coloring everything that I do and say.

I’m glad that my manager was amenable to giving me this down time, so that I can grieve a little, in the privacy of my own home, in the company of the sweetest little baby in the world.