Good-bye sweet vacation, by and large, you were good to me and I miss you already. Dragging myself out of bed at the crack of dawn is simply not as much fun as waking up to feed the baby and then happily going back to sleep curled up with the little guy in a warm cocoon of blankets and not getting up until eight or nine. I miss the baby too. It’s just like the end of maternity leave, it hurt to leave him fussing in his father’s arms, a tight knot in my belly as I made myself walk out of the dark bedroom and go down the stairs. The light in the kitchen was brutal on my sleepy eyes as I put together the bag of bottles and knocked back my medication. It was all I could do not to run back upstairs, throw off my clothes and curl up in bed with them until the sun was well risen.
Instead I marched myself out the door and into the red dawn to the BART station without looking back. I buried my hands deep within my coat’s pockets, hiding away from the early morning chill and hunched my neck down into the hooded collar like a turtle protecting itself within its shell. It was a stunning morning today, the sky painted vividly red-pink, streaks of darker and paler color captured in the clouds in the aftermath of the recent storms.
At the station I bought a new semi-monthly pass and trudged up to the platform, where I stood and gazed out at the mountain, once again cloaked in drifts of white and scarlet and tried to let the beauty of the landscape carry me away.
It’s a quiet day in the office, a number of my colleagues have taken this week off in addition to or instead of the week that I chose. It’s not until tomorrow that my calendar starts to fill up again, that the appointments rear their heads with demanding insistence. Today is the day for me to get my head back in the game, get organized for the week ahead and the week after that.
Still, no matter how quiet it is, it’s hard to be here. I’m torn as I always am, between the two sides of my life, family and work. I do like my job, though there are elements that are sometimes stressful and crazy-making. I also realize that I need to work in order to support my family.
It’s just that I miss them so much while I’m gone and regret the lost moments that I’ll never be able to get back.