November 12, 1999

Pause Button

Tired, tired, tired today. Just no get up and go, though we've been good all week, careful about food, on target at the gym and otherwise being much more "with-it" than we usually are.

Sabs was off gaming tonight with Angel and Mary and some of Angel's friends at Angel and Mary's house in Springfield. Hence I had something that I haven't had in a long while: an evening with the apartment to myself.

I was invited to play as well, but in the end, especially after the work-out, I was just too tired. I also wanted to some thinking and brainstorming about the fan fiction story that I've been working on for well over a year now. It's been too long since I posted anything new to the site and I'm beginning to feel as if I've lost the thread of the story and I can't find it again.

So we made a brief side trip to Fresh Fields to pick up some nosh for me and then Sabs dropped me off. I made myself a glorious dinner, pasta, sauteed chicken, with lots of vegetables: zucchini, mushrooms, onions, brussels sprouts and a small side salad and settled down on the couch with a movie and my notebook.

It was hard to make myself eat that much food, but one of the things I'm discovering from everything I've read is that I'm actually not eating enough and that's part of why I'm not losing any weight. I a) need to kick start my metabolism through exercise and b) need to eat more and more nutritious foods so that my body stops thinking that I'm starving and need to conserve fat. There's a delicate balance between eating just enough that you don't burn but conserve and don't lose weight and eating enough so that the body feels confident releasing its fat stores. Body chemistry is much more complicated than I thought.

The movie was good, a very sweet, quiet sort of story and a nifty story-telling gimmick. Playing by Heart is about different approaches to love as seen through the experiences of a motley cast of characters. It was almost shocking to see Gillian Anderson playing someone other than Dana Scully, but it was also nice, because the part she played allowed her to display more range than what we routinely see on X-files.

However, the movie really belongs to Sean Connery and Gena Rowlands as an aging couple about to renew their wedding vows and Angelina Jolie as the endlessly talkative and larger than life Joan.

It's a very subtle film, though the attentive viewer will pick up on what's going on fairly quickly and draw the threads together before the conclusion of the film. The ending seems to tie up all those threads just a little bit too neatly, but otherwise it's a very sweet look at the tides of the heart.

The Connery-Rowlands thread in particular gave me a lot to think about -- concepts of how love works and changes, ebbs and flows over the course of a long and rich marriage. The others were more foreign to me, since they dealt mostly with dating in the 90s.

It's funny how sometimes I find myself identifying more with values from older generations -- just another symptom of how much harking last to the past I do on a daily basis, I suppose.

Interesting though to trace the line through time to see where you came from and what kind of ideas shaped you as a person.

For example, after we watched American History X I kept wondering how I would have turned out if I had been raised in the kind of household that Derek and Danny were raised in. In that family, the boys were the ones who wound up turning to hate and intolerance while their sister was the opposite.

Would I be the person I am today, if my parents hadn't taught me to be open-minded? Would I be so aware of the world if we hadn't lived elsewhere?

Nature vs. nurture on the individual, it's too bad there's no experiment that can really be done to figure out which is stronger. The variables are just too many, too complex to pinpoint, the smallest events can sometimes have an effect on a person, yet it's the nature of the person that sets the baseline for how that person reacts to the events.


I just have so much trouble imagining myself as anything other than what I am.

If I were reincarnated as a extremely rich or poor for example -- would I still be me?

And if we do reincarnate, do we actually learn something new with each incarnation? Is there some kind of uber-identity that resides in the soul, that is part and yet not part of who I am today?

That thought just gave me an idea for a story ... hmmm ...


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