{Nowhere to Run, Nowhere to Hide}


8.20.99

Nowhere to Run, Nowhere to Hide
No matter what I tell myself, no matter how strictly I upbraid myself for the tears that keep gathering at the corners of my eyes, the sadness keeps creeping up on me.

The problem is simply this: that I can't hide from myself. Can't hide from what goes through my head and heart.

In the end, it's always ourselves that we have to deal with -- the reflections of our reactions to things, our feelings and beliefs in our own eyes.

I suppose that's not a good way to put it.

Let's just say I've come face-to-face with myself again today, as often happens in cyclic or random ways. And I don't like what I see.

Tsunami of Change
I stood at the window looking out at the city mulling over all of the changes going on around me, how affected I am by Joe's departure, how little I want to go home right now, yet paradoxically, how lonely I feel.

It seems as if a lot of the ducks that were lining up just got knocked over, casting the good news of the day into relative irrelevance.

Joe's gone, the department is being shut down, I don't want to go home -- but our project won't be canceled.

In the wake of the great tsunami of change that just swept out of nowhere and rearranged all of the pieces on the board, I just don't care as much as I should. last night, I told Sabs that I didn't even care if I got fired. He goggled at me, uncomprehending and then stated unequivocally, "Well I care ... we can't afford you losing your job."

The resentment boiled harder.

You see, slowly, bit by bit, the elements of what made my life good here have been peeled away like the skin of an onion, leaving only the core: Sabs and the cats.

And right now, even that is shaky. I am restless and faced with a lot of uncertainties and conflicting emotions that I don't fully comprehend or even wish to acknowledge.

Throw Wide the Windows
I feel a distinct need to pull everything off the shelves ... to perform a "spring cleaning," reorganize everything. I want to throw the windows open wide and let the sunshine in, to burn away all the hidden darkness, the cobwebs in the corners, the clinging mugginess that makes the apartment and the confines of my own mind so uncomfortable these days.

I am better than I was a few weeks ago, I'm at least awake now ... but I'm just having trouble living with myself.

I am too alone. Yet the effort required to reconnect and rebuild lapsed friendships seems to great. I'd almost rather start over from scratch.

Sobering Concepts
Last night I doused my troubled heart with beer and got thoroughly silly in a city-bar, talking loudly about retribution and dissatisfaction and generally making a fool of myself.

However I repented before I got seriously drunk, stopped at the second beer and ordered some food to absorb the alocohol from my achingly empty stomach.

Later on, after I had sobered up enough to walk to the train and Sabs and I were installed in our favorite restaurant for dinner, enjoying lots and lots of very spicy salsa, the conversation turned quietly to things we need to change. The efforts we both need to make to get our lives last on track.

It was a good talk and a sobering one to realize how close we both are to self-destructing.

Yet I still feel restless. The urge to leave has never been stronger -- I want out of here. I'm too tired out by the heat, the sweat, the constant coming and going of friends.

I either want to wander ceaselessly, or to finally have something relatively stable to count on.

Whatever that is, I don't want to go on as things have been going.

Something has got to give ... and I just can't hide from the fact any longer, that it's ME that has to give. I've got to make the changes, re-orient and re-focus on the things that are really important.

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