{Guitar}


8.17.99

Soundtrack
Enigmatism, Mike Oldfield, from Guitars

My brain is full tonight.

Full of ColdFusion. Full of music. Full of Tolkien. Full of hope. Full of dread.

Music
I was skimming around the other day amidst some of my bookmarks and thought I'd check to see what was going on in the world of Mike Oldfield. And what to my won'dring eyes did appear, but the title of a new album ...

Like many an Oldfield album before it, Guitars, is a mixture of classical instrumentaion and more modern electronica. There are a few tracks I'm not 100% thrilled by and a handful I just can't get enough of. One of these is linked up yonder -- "Enigmatism" a sort of mystical, mournful tune that sounds to me, like trees crying.

This music, along with a few other tracks has been playing continously in my mind for the past seventy-two hours or so.

Tolkien
It brings with it vivid images of J.R.R. Tolkien's Middle-Earth. this time around, from The Silmarillion. It's taken me long enough to get around to reading this tome -- I guess now I am finally old enough to really appreciate it. Or maybe it's just that I've read Beowulf and The Canterbury Tales now and I understand the epic -- not just epic fantasy -- so much better now.

Of course it could also have something to do with the plethora of Tolkien sites cropping up left right and center these days, all in anticpation of the Great Movie that is to come out sometime in 2000. Each has its own take, its own rumors, arguments about casting decisions and deep discussions about Tolkienesque philosophy. I join in from time-to-time. But mostly, I'm just losing myself in the world again -- the same way that I did when I was a child.

It helps, with all of the stressful things building to a peak around me right now.

ColdFusion & Dread
No sooner does one obstacle fall than another arises. That's just the way of things. Especially in Web Development. Now it's the queries that animate the prescription writing module. Again I am ready to scream as code refuses to cooperate, sleep becomes a rare commodity and the deadline of Thursday looms ever nearer.

On top of that add the lovely meeting we were required to attend this morning at the ungodly hour of nine in which we were informed of the future of our department: Death. The fates of all of us: ambiguously tenuous in my case. And last but not least, how much we are appreciated and valued by the management of the University.

I am not a happy camper. The chaos and uncertainty are getting under my skin like those nasty bugs in The Mummy. I just can't shake this feeling of dread.

Hope
Yet ... I have hope. The killing lethargy that seemed to hold me fast these last few months has finally loosened its grasp. I'm more able to deal with all of these things that are being thrown at me. I'm able to side-step and dodge, plan and ponder solutions instead of nattering and worrying my sanity away.

The projects are all like pots ready to boil over, but I feel a strange sense of calm. If they boil over, so be it. I've done my best, turning the heat, up and then down again to try to bring the contents to perfection. In the end, if they burn, at least I'll have given it my best shot.

And through it all drifts the sweet sound of a plaintive guitar ...

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