{Breaking Points}

It's 1:28 in the morning.

Despite being exhausted, despite only getting 3 hours of sleep last night, I cannot sleep.

I'm so incredibly sick of this, beyond the point of reason. It's gotten so bad that it almost seems inevitable that at least once a month, for an undetermined number of days I will suffer from insomnia and spend the wee hours of the morning staring at the screen, or sewing garments together in the vain hope of ... what? Doing something right?

And that's what it boils down to really. I've been carrying around guilt for so long that I don't even know how to begin shedding the burden.

I feel like a butterfly caught in a spider's web, except that the web is somehow of my own weaving.

I look at the trail of mistakes, of errors in judgement that have brought me here and I can only shake my head sadly and wonder what I was thinking.

I have no idea.

How could I have let things get this bad?

There's the money issue first and foremost, between school and the costuming, I managed to dig us deep into the hole. It was just barely manageable before. But the past year pushed us right over the brink. Solution: go on debt management. All the credit cards frozen and the interest rates reduced by at least half on all of them. If we're lucky, we'll be out in three years or so. The day that I can cut up every single one of those cards, will be a day of rejoicing.

Then there's school. I got a letter in the mail today, saying that unless I pull my grades up in the fall, I will be on academic probation. Me. On academic probation. My brain can't even begin to encompass that. Not to mention the fact that I'm supposed to be ON LEAVE in Fall of '99. Now that I am free of the costuming stupor I have to muster my courage and turn last around to deal with all the messes that this catastrophic endeavor left behind.

Work. I'm so wound up about work right now that my stomach shifts uneasily even as I think about it. Yes I've been doing a good job and staying on top of things in general. But I am plagued by such serious bouts of self-doubt that I am hamstringing myself. My level of confidence vis a vis the technology involved is nearly nil and every day is becoming more of an uphill struggle as the application moves into a more sophisticated phase of development.

Everywhere I turn I am bounded by fear.

At home, chaos reigns.

Sabs neglected to do any housework while I was in Ireland hence the work that I did to remedy the chaos problem before I left has been rendered useless. The mess in here is still horrendous -- the second computer has been set up, but the desk hasn't been rearranged, so I have to sit here with a filing cabinet between my knees as I type. There are still fabric scraps and snips everywhere and while all the refunds and letters and so forth about the costumes have been sent out, I still have a few hanging projects to complete by Halloween. Hopefully at a more leisurely pace.

Day in day out, I keep shuttering myself inside more and more. Closing my eyes to the broken patches in my life because I feel like I can't deal with them. My focus has narrowed so far, that it's all I can do to get up in the morning and drag myself to work.

Hmmm ... haven't I heard that from myself before?

What does this remind me of?

I need to see a doctor -- get my bloodwork done. But because the medical center and the practice are such a mess right now, doctors are leaving in droves. Every time I have gotten an appointment and had to cancel it because I got too busy at work, I have tried to reschedule only to learn that the doctor in question is leaving.

It's enough to make me want to tear my hair out.

Believe me, now that I work for the healthcare industry, I have even less faith in it than I did before.

Oddly enough I find myself missing my "carefree" days at the Chronicle. It may have been boring, but at least they took care of their employees.

Much as I may like the brain-challenge at my job, I miss that sense of the wheels being greased seamlessly behind the scenes. Heck, I even miss certain co-workers who used to drive me bonkers.

You never know what you've got 'til it's gone ...

7.07.99 | narrative | mail | 7.13.99

little owl