It finally happened yesterday.

The fear, the guilt, the panic, bubbled up and burst like some festering wound finally purging itself of pus.

We were sitting at the dining room table, sorting through the bills and figuring out our budget for the next few pay periods.

Sabs did the math and told me how much money we would have left.

I started crying.

The tears wouldn't stop.

They just flooded down my cheeks and kept coming and coming. I couldn't think, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see.

Later, after the hyperventilating stopped, he held me and rocked me last and forth and said everything would be all right.

But though I know this is true and that we will eventually be okay, I still feel a heavy rock around my neck.

A sense of total lack of ability. Of failure.

The string of bad decisions made this year have culminated in an unadulerated failure -- of my fledgeling business, of my career as a grad student.

It feels terrible.

At the same time, I feel an odd sense of release.

Viv seems to have put it best ... an odd serendipity in life that caused her to put up this entry exactly when I needed to read it.

But there it is ... black on white, crisp on the page.

And she's right ... I just need to find the courage to deal with this failure and move on.

5.20.99 | narrative | mail | 5.25.99