Trigger warning – self-harm discussed below.
Fat is not a mental health diagnosis, as Ragen has so eloquently explained but, certainly, some of us fats struggle with depression. My blog seems to have been nothing but grey skies for the last few months, when I’ve bothered to write at all, not generally because I’ve been having acute depressive episodes but just because that smoke cloud of chronic depression has been looming large.
I tried cutting for the first time in my life a few months ago, when an external crisis made me wonder if, when all was said and done, it was better than trying to off myself (which I won’t do.) It wasn’t and I won’t do it again (thankfully things have evened out with the issue that triggered the depressive episode anyway) but it was pretty terrifying. I’ve worked so hard, and spent so many therapy hours (and dollars) trying to deal with that pit and it’s just so hard to escape it. And so discouraging when the spiral brings me back to that place in my life.
Right now I’m desperately needing to find an internship to finish off my MSLIS (master’s in library & information science). The requirements are SO specific, and my full-time M-F job timing is such that it is going to have to be just the right internship, just the right opportunity, or it won’t work. I want to be hopeful and positive but I struggle to have the confidence that I have the skills and knowledge to do anything but what I’ve always done – more office admin. I’m grateful for my paycheck and coworkers that keep me sane even when phones are ringing off the hook and I’m deluged with Stuff [tm], but confidence is my bugbear. Believing that I have the ability to do more is my real issue, not skills, training, or actual ability.
What seems to be most prominent in my life at the moment is stupid drama. Namely, stupid Facebook drama. I’m considering doing away with it entirely. I am so, so tired of having even a respectful statement misread (I’m probably guilty of this too, mind you). The latest brouhaha was over a blog post in Massive Health, which appears to push a healthist agenda HARD HARD HARD. (Is “healthist” a word?).
Take a look at the graphics in that blog post. It begins with the assertion that “We Eat Less Healthy Than We Think”. The only definition of health they give is “fit” vs “fat” – there are no fit fat people, it would seem, and all thin people are fit. Apparently people on a diet, any diet, “eat at least 15.2% healthier than those who eat everything.” Really? 15.2% healthier? I would call the cabbage soup diet, or the lemonade diet, or any of the other diet fads out there dramatically less healthy than a balanced diet, but that’s just me.
And the final infographic, where we are informed that fat people are more likely to have fat friends, because “obesity and healthiness are contagious.”
I mentioned my issues with the infographic and was shot down by multiple people claiming that my negative interpretation (i.e, that the infographics were fat-shaming) wasn’t accurate. They were just statistics, mind you, with no anti-fat bias at all. I would argue that defining “healthiness” as not-fatness is pretty anti-fat. Finally my friend, who is an educated, intelligent person whom I respect, felt it necessary to bring it to private message to tell me that, fundamentally, if I don’t like the app, I don’t have to buy it.
Which is true. But I was respectful in all of the things I said and only pointed out the anti-fat bias of the infographics. Is that drama-worthy enough to go private with? Is it drama-worthy at all? Apparently on Facebook it is. The cutting episode crisis was also inflamed by FB drama (note: I’m not blaming the people involved in said drama for my own reaction to the emotional trauma – that’s on me – but drama seems to be characteristic of many of my interactions there, despite my best efforts to the contrary).
How to connect with the people on Facebook without actually using Facebook is the dilemma. But, and I suspect this will happen soon, not enough of a dilemma for me to keep using it.