I Hate Seeing Doctors. Full Stop.
Jan 21st, 2010 by heidi
I hate going to doctors.
That conversation yesterday, that I thought I could brush off fairly easily, has lingered. I found myself desperately wanting to EAT EAT EAT! yesterday afternoon, partly because I forgot my high-protein snacks, a mistake rectified today, but also because there was that deep emotional despair that always seems to bubble up around anything medical.
My current GP isn’t that bad. I think she wants very badly to have the Weight Loss Chat with me but hasn’t and I respect that. Her website is very positive and I think that overall, she’s a good doctor. I just hate seeing her. I hate seeing any doctor. I wish I could figure out exactly why…I end up putting off visiting until I’ve got so much stuff going on that I take up too much time (a no-no, I know) but I just don’t want to go. I hate having my blood pressure taken, hate sitting down on that chair/bed and feeling like suddenly I’m a Subject To Be Studied [tm]. I hate every single part of it.
Maybe she doesn’t want to have the weight loss talk with me. Maybe it’s just my perception. I feel like I talk too much or don’t talk enough…like I never manage to say the right thing at the right time. I feel stupid, undereducated, and lumpish.
I had to go to a gynecologist a couple of months back and the nurse took my blood pressure – she managed to get the right size cuff but didn’t support my arm at all, so I think I ended up something like 140/90. “Have you ever had problems with high blood pressure?” she asked me.
What was I supposed to say? That every time I’ve ever had an electronic machine take my BP, it refuses to read it and gets so tight on my arm that it causes me physical pain, so it’s hardly surprising that they get no reading or a high one? That most offices don’t bother to follow correct BP procedures and therefore I do read high…but when they DO follow correct procedures (once or twice in the last four years), it’s normal? That despite all this, no doctor has ever suggested treating me for high BP or discussed it at all? Why? If high BP is so bad, why don’t they follow up if they think mine might be high?
Every time I go to a new practice, I feel like I have to defend myself…and then I have to admit that I don’t currently exercise, that I AM a disordered eater who is working hard at recovery but not there yet…that oh, yes, I have depression, and hypothyroidism, and PCOS, and the laundry list of things that make me SOUND sick but that I don’t feel unhealthy. I’ve had some great GP recommendations from the LJ Fatshionistas but the last thing I want to do is call up a new doctor.
The last thing I want to do is leave work early to take the damn bus to my current doctor, then catch another bus back to where I’ve parked my car, and all because she needs to see me, presumably to tell me to get another thyroid blood test, which will require more hassle and time.
Did I mention the phlebotomist last time who acted like it was my fault that I have tricky veins? I should have had more water the day before. “If I can’t get it in three tries, I have to give up.”
And it all makes me feel fat, unhealthy, ugly, and fundamentally worthless…when that starts, the hypochondria sets in. I’m sure I’m going to drop dead of cancer, or heart disease, or something else that will keep me from seeing my son grow up. I won’t ever go see a doctor about it, mind you, because that would involve, you know, SEEING A DOCTOR but I worry. I get scared. I wake up in the middle of the night, heart pounding, wondering when I’m going to die, wondering what’s going to kill me when it all finally catches up with me.
Wondering if maybe my son wouldn’t be better off without the fat mom who has to play not-scared all the time when inside she’s absolutely terrified.
I don’t hate doctors. I just hate ever having to see one and be reminded of how worthless and small I really am, even though I’m huge.
My heart is hurting for you and I don’t have the words. I don’t know if there are any words that are the right ones. I guess all I can say is that I love you.
It sounds like you are having a grieving day. Sometimes it’s important to do that. Just know that tomorrow, you can pick yourself up, and go on and be the great person you are, and screw the doctors.
Incidentally, I hate them too, and they don’t talk to me about fat – it’s just that they DO seem to think of me as a piece of meat on an assembly line, which is just damned depressing.
I know, having just finished my course, that that phlebotomist was an asshole. First, in the US, s/he’s allowed *two* tries, not three. If you’re unsuccessful twice, you have to call in someone else for a second opinion — and they’re only allowed to try twice.
Second, if s/he thought you were dehydrated and that was a problem, then s/he could nicely bring you some water and ask you to drink it and wait twenty minutes or so before s/he tried again. (It does not take a whole day for *solid foods* to be turned to liquid and enter your bloodstream, let alone water, which is already liquid, so how much you drank the day before is almost irrelevant. Drink *today* and wait a little bit, you’ll be fine.)
Third, while patient dehydration is a complication, it is quite possible to get a successful venipuncture even from a dehydrated, hypovolemic patient — but you *may* have to change your choice of veins and go for a smaller one with a butterfly set. S/he could also have warmed the site — it greatly improves blood flow. If s/he didn’t try any of those things, it is in no way your fault.
Finally, I know you know this in your head, but your son is not better off without you. In fact, even setting aside the mom-who-loves-him factor — consider the way the BMI ranges are set. Consider the many medications and illnesses that can cause weight gain, and the likelihood that he will, at some point in his life, experience something that makes him “overweight” — what you let him see of how *you* handle this is going to be his example. And what he’s seeing is someone who hates it but is navigating it anyway. Being devoid of fear is highly overrated; real heroes are the ones who fear but don’t let that fear stop them from functioning. You’re doing that just fine.
I’m afraid I have no practical advice, but I can at least comiserate. I am a deathfat woman with high blood pressure (that goes 20 points higher the instant I walk into a doctor’s office), asthma, and PCOS. I do exercise regularly but I eat whatever I want (thank you HAES). I manage my chronic conditions well and I feel healthy, but I still feel judged, ridiculed, disbelieved, and less than human every time I go to the doctor–as if any health problem I am having is my own fault for not conforming to the desireable section of the BMI chart.
Even if your not someone like me that’s had years of bad experience with the medical profession, I’m not sure there is anything comforting about any of the medical offices I’ve been in…Well, ever.
The rooms are cold and sterile. The doctors are rushed and get right down to business.
I can’t think of the last time I had a doctor try to strike up a conversation with me. Or even ask me anything personal that wasn’t about my medical history.
That could be because I’m fat…or it could be because the doctors office is the one place in my life where I come off as needy and insecure, as compared to my normal confidence.
But, then again, I am one of those troubling patients that also have a list of things wrong with me.
Like, I have this ear infection that keeps coming back. It goes away for a while and then the weather will change or I’ll have a bad day, and my ear gets goopy again. (Sorry for the grossness.)
I went to five separate appointments about my ear, back when I had insurance, and saw five different doctors.
Same practice. Five doctors. The first doctor saw that something was wrong in my ear and put me on antibiotic drops.
For my fifth appointment, I waited until my ear was really hurting me before I went it. And the doctor proceeded to chastise me about NOT GOING IN EARLIER before he gave me a second round of antibiotic drops.
After ever one of those five appointments I bawled. And I’m not one to cry at the drop of a hat.
Going to the doctor has become a trigger for me. I can’t think of a single other thing in where I feel afraid and upset and will go to just about any length to avoid it.
So, I relate. One a very personal level I understand how you feel about going to the doctor’s office.
Would it be feasible for you to find a Family Practitioner that can see you and your son concurrently. You may be less stressed to ask questions when the focus is on him, and it may be somehow less dehumanizing. Another avenue would be a practice that uses email for some things – impersonal, but that could be a good thing. (you might investigate if your current doctor would agree to email consultations)
Heidi,
I don’t have time right now to write a long reply even though I have so much to say because I’m dealing with a lot of the same things you are. But I was just wondering if you’d be interested in meeting up in person to vent/commisserate. I live on Cap Hill and work on the Eastside, so I’m always all over the area. (I’m also on LJ but I’m trying to hide my real identity there so I’ll tell you who privately, but not here!)
We could even possibly go with each other to the doctor’s office as advocates? I dunno, it’s just something I’ve thought of for myself because doctor’s visits are SO triggering (for me, rather than wanting to eat eat eat, I *don’t eat* … hardly anything, for several days, until my body says, “eat, dammit!” and I end up binging).
Anyway, if you might be interested in that, you will have my email address from this comment. *hugs*
I wish I lived closer – I would go to the doctor with you.
I’ve had lots of doctors make me feel like a bug to be squashed. I was told at one point by one of my surgeons to ’suck it up’. Who the hell tells a transplant patient in recovery to suck it up!?
The number one thing I learned about being a patient is to be a self-advocate. Speak up and tell them exactly what you think. If you’re concerned you may have high blood pressure make them follow up on it. If they don’t probably support your arm voice your concern when it’s happening and make them re-do it. It’s scary to speak up and contradict someone but ultimately it’s your body and you have the right to the best possible medical care.
That phlebotomist was absolutely in the wrong. If s/he couldn’t get blood from you that was THEIR fault not yours! That’s what they’re trained to do. I have tiny veins and have been told to my face that I’m a ‘hard prick’. Cairsten is right. They are only supposed to try twice. I get labs done every week and an IV put in every time I have a bronch. They always put a warm compress on my arm and use the kid sized butterfly needle. And if they can’t get it done in one shot they always apologize.
It sounds like your current doctor has potential. Don’t give up on her or yourself! I don’t mean to sound so preachy, but you are absolutely not worthless. You matter.
This post really hit home because I also have avoidance issues when it comes to visiting a doctors. A friend I’ve known for a long time is studying for her medical degree right now, and when our families got together for dinner my brother got sick after a dip in the pool that was too cold. I’d been worried about him most of the evening because he wasn’t his usual bouncy hyperactive self and claimed he had a stomachache but she didn’t think there was anything wrong with him, just put it down to him being dehydrated and being grouchy for attention (big age gap between us).
I guess what I’m trying to say is that it made me realise that these medical experts know nothing about you and what you’re like. There’s no way for them to get a grasp of what’s normal or abnormal for you from a 15 minute checkup. Especially if you’re someone who has difficulty confiding in people or just expressing yourself. For me personally I know part of the reason I don’t want to go to the doctor is that they’ll just listen to all my worries about being constantly tired/having sleep issues and just prescribe sleeping pills or tell me to go join some sort of club so I can destress. In a way, I guess it’s all down to the fear of being rejected and told that my problems are insignificant or told that I’m making a big deal out of something that everyone else is able to deal with. I don’t WANT to stuff pills down my throat in order to function properly or be told that I’m depressed, I want them to help me address what’s causing my body to act weirdly like this. Endrant.
I think it would be nice if you could go see your doctor with a friend or just someone you could trust. I know that for me things like clothes shopping always seem more bearable when I’ve got someone that I trust close by that I can lean on and that I know won’t judge me by my size. Maybe think of it as going for a new job? The initial settling period sucks but after you get into a routine it (hopefully) gets easier. And your son would most definitely not do better without you! We all have to face fears about our mortality and it sounds like you’ve got a lot of love to offer him, which is the most important thing after all