Not again…
Dec 29th, 2009 by heidi
I hate shopping.
If I had liked my body better back when I was a 14/16, maybe I would like shopping better (and wouldn’t currently be a size 26-32). I’ve never learned to like the tedium that is trying on ugly clothing that never fits me quite right and makes me feel worse than I did to start with.
Plus-size clothing is, for the most part, ugly and/or made of polyester. Button-down shirts always gap across my bust and if they don’t, they’re baggy everywhere else. Since I appear to have the thunder-thigh equivalent in massive upper arms, it’s hard to find shirts these days that aren’t tight through the upper arm. I also currently have no well-fitting bras, because it’s really, really hard to find someone to fit a bra correctly…they like to put me in crazy sizes like 50D when, really, I’m closer to a 44 (giantcupsize).
My rather desperate emotional eating over the last year has clearly made me gain weight. I don’t own a scale but I do know that most of the shirts I own don’t currently fit. That means…wardrobe shopping. Again.
Only, we get back to the problem of that size (just larger than most Lane Bryant outfits). I don’t want to buy any more awful polyester. I never know what looks good on me…I’m just dowdy, dowdy, dowdy all the time. The Fatshionista community on LJ has people that look fantastic but most of them are a lot smaller than me and those that are around the same size seem to just know what works on them. I honestly don’t, so I buy clothes and realize after it’s too late to return them that they look awful on me or I try on a million things and don’t take any of them because I don’t like myself in any of them…and I don’t know whether that’s because they truly look bad on me or because I just don’t know what does look good on me.
I need a stylist. And a tailor. And a million dollars to pay for both.
And in the meantime, I have to figure out what to waste more money on so that I’m not wearing tight shirts that make me feel even fatter than I am.
Hello there….
You are whom I have created my blog for, try to show and share with as many that there are fits and fashions that can and do work for you… I have recently just started offering my services for the curvy woman… as I have researched, resourced what works and doesn’t for the fabulously full figured…
Please send me an email, so that we can chat, and I would love to work with you!
Marie Denee
The Curvy Fashionista
Maybe you could check out beautytipsforministers.com – you don’t have to be a minister (I’m not), and the advice is down to earth and different shapes and ages. Just as a way to get you started on what looks good. And you could email the blogger; she will help you if you ask. She is a friend of mine.
Thanks for that hsofia- I AM a minister, and I have a new bookmark, now. I have TONS of sympathy for you Heidi, but nothing in the way of helpful suggestions. Except to say that “that means wardrobe shopping again” and not “that means getting back on the diet” is a great head space to start from, and I wish I were there more of the time.
I am useless for advice but feeling for you as well. I don’t think I have a set point, and I’ve felt the same way at every step — leaving size 14 and regular stores, leaving size 20 and my one place to buy pants for tall women, and now nearly leaving size 24/3X and regular fat lady departments. You would think that the rarer sizes would at least aim for classic, inoffensive styles, but it seems like hideous polyester is the norm way out here.
And I’m hopeless at sewing. I can’t understand it — I follow directions at work all the time, but when it comes to sewing and cooking, no matter how many times I screw something up I still find myself deciding to “wing it” in some way or another and wind up with nothing. If you are tempermentally more patient and obedient than I am, that might be an answer for you.
Best of luck to you.
Heidi – what the Cleric said: “that means wardrobe shopping again” and not “that means getting back on the diet” is a great head space to start from
Also: you’re in the Seattle area, yes?
Yes, just north of Seattle (Shoreline).
You know, I didn’t even think about dieting vs. shopping – I guess that IS a good thing!
Shopping vs. dieting is a big step in the right direction.
Now, as to How To Do It, you have to remember that those women in the Fatshionista community probably weren’t just born simply ‘knowing’ what works on them and what doesn’t. They learned, through trial and error, what works on them and what doesn’t. When you get past the idea that most of the world ‘magically’ gets fashion and their bodies without ever thinking about it, then you’re ready to begin.
After all, you didn’t just pick up a book one day and magically know how to read it. You spent a lot of time looking at the squiggles and having someone explain what they were. One day those squiggles clicked in your brain and became identifiable symbols for sounds and concepts, but you had to put in the work first. It was the same with learning to multiply numbers, drive a car, and cook a good meal.
It’s the same thing with learning to dress yourself well. Take a little time. Look at clothes, really look at them, to figure out what colors, lines, and details appeal most strongly to your eye. Then try things on. Be prepared to leave behind everything you try on, because discovering what’s truly flattering to you is a long and sometimes extremely frustrating process. Be prepared for the disappointment when you discover that your favorite shade of green makes you look like you should have been buried a week ago or that a pant cut that you think is adorable makes you look like you have three-inch legs. But remember that proportion and shading make a huge difference. Try variations.
Do you have a good friend or relative with a strong sense of personal style and a good eye? See if you can get that person to come along with you on a shopping trip or two – and that can be a virtual one just as easily as a physical one, remember – and be completely honest with you about how the clothes you like work on you.
Ultimately, you may find that this is not a skill you want to put that much time and effort into. It’s okay to decide that, you know. But if dressing well makes you feel better about yourself, then don’t give up. Keep trying.
Just remember that it’s a process that will take time and a clear eye. The bad news is that it will result in some discouraging days. The good news is that it’s a completely learnable skill.
In terms of new wardrobe, I’d really start with a good, well-fitting bra (more than one, ideally). Among other things, having a good foundation will make shirts fit better all around! This isn’t just important for large breasted women, either. (Breastwise, I’m rather assymmetric, with one breast larger than the other, and shirts just look soooo much better when I’m wearing a good sports bra that minimizes that difference and evens things out.) I’ve heard really good things about FigLeaves (http://www.figleaves.com/us/home.asp) for larger cup sizes and larger bands, and they have an online video on how to size yourself well.
Depending on the cut of the clothes, I can do anywhere from a 22 to a 32. I’ve been at this size range for 10 years, so I feel your frustration at trying to find cute non-frumpy clothes, but I’ve actually managed to do it. I’m not one that goes to Etsy or spends tons of time browsing in vintage or thrift shops. My style is much more conservative but I do love color.
I’ve never ordered online from other countries. I’ve managed to build my wardrobe from Fashion Bug, Lane Bryant, Sears, JCPenney’s, Dress Barn, Avenue, QVC Outlet and the dreaded Roamans, Wal-Mart and Woman Within. Being on the end of plus-size clothing, I take my time in looking for what I want. There are certain things I avoid because I know they won’t flatter my body and I usually try to wait until there are sales.
It’s maddening to not find what you want and when you do, you have to pay $5 to even $20 more for it, but remember that’s not our problem. It’s the retailers and manufacturers who don’t want to believe fat women, especially those who wear 3X and up, actually want to wear something besides sweatsuits and tent dresses.