I love food and I am done atoning for that “sin.” I guess a lot of what I eat is within the socially-determined bounds of “healthy” because I was raised on it (have a parent who is a cardiologist), but plenty of times I will eat tater tots dunked in mayo for dinner and if I have ice cream at home I generally polish off the whole pint. And you know, I’ve been able to observe from the way my eating habits and body fluctuate that these things are why I’m the size I am; I know I gain weight from eating a lot (that said, I do not lose weight from eating significantly less). I ain’t apologizing. I try to live in a way that feels good for me from every angle, to take care of my mental, physical, and emotional well-being (note I didn’t say health; I’m fucking sick of the judgment loaded into that word). If that means eating as many cookies as my body asks me to, damn straight I will.

The way I see these things, we’re all trying to get by. Some of us have more self control and some have less. Some of us are naturally energetic and some are naturally quiet. Some of us are less prone to addiction and some more. Some of us have emotional needs that are through our friendships or counselling or exercise or career, and some have emotional needs that are met most readily through food. Some of us have medical causes for weight above our genetics and others don’t. All of us have different genes that would make us all different weights if we were otherwise exactly the same. It’s unfair to judge anybody for how they live their lives.

That said, I don’t think anyone really means to exclude, other than the HAES site, which has a health-oriented agenda. As someone noted above, the stereotypes of fat people can be infuriating, and hurt everyone, but if there are aspects of your life that fit the stereotype, it hurts to have someone say “we’re really not that repulsive!” My guess is that people who don’t fit the stereotypes are more likely to put it that way than to say “stereotyping fat people is wrong”. Maybe your post will help people to be more careful with their tone.

Full disclosure (if it matters): I eat lots of sweets for emotional reasons, feel horribly guilty about lack of exercise, dress in whatever I can afford that doesn’t pinch anywhere, and continue to gain five to ten pounds a year without ever reaching a “set point”. My fat acceptance goal is to stop thinking about it.

Anyway, you sound pretty normal to me. Everyone eats more than they should sometimes. Plus, I hate formal exercise too; chasing my kids, dancing while I do dishes, and a bit of gardening is my extent of exercise. Also I have the example of my husband, we’ve been together for a bit over twenty years. In that time he’s gone from an active healthy 300 pounds to a chronically ill (severe joint pain) sedentary 350 pounds. He’s always eaten less than I do, though he likes a higher fat diet than is usually prescribed. What he eats and how much exercise he gets clearly has very little effect on his weight. Over twenty years nearly everyone puts on some weight, call it only twenty pounds due to age, and you still only have a difference of about 30 pounds for the lifestyle change. He’s also easily the fattest person in his family. Sometimes you just get the gene combination no one else in your family gets. I had hormonal problems staying pregnant. Thank goodness no one else in my family has had that. I had gestational diabetes too, no other history of diabetes in my family at all (and I’m not the fattest member of my family, middlish I’d say). Maybe I’m the lucky one with a particular mutation for my particular problems, maybe I’m simply the only one to get that gene uncovered by a different one that negates it. Who knows?

I’m also a bit baffled that you say you only have two medical reasons to be fat, the PCOS and the thyroid deficiency; in my book an eating disorder is also a medical reason.

But at any rate, you are fat. I am fat. Discrimination and hate of fat people is a cloud we all live under, even in our own psyches, no big surprise considering the pervasive cultural norms. I mean, expecting us to go immediately to loving our fat selves without reservation is like expecting to take a girl from Somalia, telling her she’s free and equal, and expecting her to happily wear a bikini to a beach. Ain’t gonna happen.

Conversely, even if you did everything “right,” whatever the hell that means, you might not be anywhere near “normal” size, because you may not have the genetic capacity to be that. But people are stuck on the idea that weight is entirely a function of personal habits, and that’s not anywhere close to being true. Also that there’s one way of eating or living that’s “healthy” for everyone, which is also false. (What of those 95-year-olds who say they love Twinkies and pork rinds and never exercise? Does Poppy Bush still hate broccoli?) And we pay a terrible price for people believing that personal size is a matter of personal choice. It costs us everything — healthcare, education, lovers, friends, employment, you name it.

And even if you eat what you think is “too much,” there’s no safe, reliable way to make yourself less hungry. People can ignore or trick their way out of their hunger signals for a while, but most people can’t ignore them forever, at least not without being paid millions of dollars a year to do it. It would be so much cheaper and easier if I could live on half as much food as I eat, but that’s just not going to happen.