Talkative Tuesday* on Being a Bad Fat
Oct 20th, 2009 by heidi
The Fatosphere is full of people who don’t have eating disorders. We hear from them a lot. They are fat, for various reasons, but are constantly annoyed with the media for perpetuating the myth that all fat people are emotional eaters. There is a pretty decent representative sample of fats blogging about how normally they eat, how confident they are in their size, how genetically predetermined their size is, how they really ARE fat despite being a size 18/20 (I’m not going to get into relative experiences of fatness here – that’s not my point). They exercise regularly and seem to be entirely content within their bodies.
I am not one of those fats. Sometimes I feel like my tiny? medium? large? representative sample of fats gets lost in the mix, so here’s who I am (a poor, delicate, special snowflake…or something!).
“Normal” eating: I do not eat “normally.” I eat for many, many reasons other than hunger and I do this on a daily basis. I often eat because I am bored and need distraction, or because I “need” to empty my plate, or because the food tastes so good that even though I know I am physically full and that more food will make me uncomfortable, I keep eating. Physical hunger, although I feel it, is one of the most minor of reasons why I eat. This is because, fundamentally, I do suffer from disordered eating habits, although they are no longer binges to the extent that they once were.
Genetic predetermination: No one else in my family is larger than a size 16. Possibly an 18. My sister was a size 7 and now has shrunk to a size XS, because she walks upwards of 20 miles a week, one presumes, and doesn’t love cooking very much. My cousins are all slim. My mother is a size 16 and if she didn’t have a history of disordered eating and depression probably would be closer in size to her siblings, who are around a 10/12. When we have a family gathering, even with my mother’s family, I am the fattest biologically-related person in the room. I have an aunt who is probably around my size (I am awful at gauging people’s sizes in relation to my own) but she is not a blood relative, dearly though I love her, and so her genetic material and mine are not related. I am acutely aware of my gorgeous, thin, female cousins and am even more acutely aware that if it were NOT for my disordered eating and history of yo-yo dieting and depression, I would almost certainly be a size 10/12. Maybe a 14. I would not be worrying that I have pretty much outgrown Lane Bryant and stress that I will lose my last brick-and-mortar option if I get above a 30.
Really “fat”? Yeah. I really am fat. You saw my size in the last paragraph. People actively avoid sitting next to me on the bus. I haven’t had to buy a second seat on an airplane yet (I tend to be apple-ish rather than hippy) but do use a single belt extender.
Exercise regularly: Um. Well, no. That is, I was taking walks around Freeway Park here in downtown Seattle over the summer but then it got really hot, I got out of the habit, and I have a massive mental block against exercise. Yes, I get out of breath quickly. Yes, I walk slowly. Yes, when people see me they must think all those horrible things about lazy fat people, although I don’t think I smell. I am not a resounding witness to the benefits of HAES.
Content in my body: Um. Sometimes.
The progress that I have made as someone who accepts my size, who works toward intuitive eating, who is trying really, really hard to get up the courage to take on the challenge of finding an exercise that I enjoy is substantial but I frequently feel like I let the side down. What right do I have to talk about HAES when I feel unhealthy every single day?
My cholesterol is fine. I haven’t had a real BP reading in years because they either try to use the electronic meters (I seem to break them) or the cuff is too small to work, or they have a good cuff but make no effort to support my arm at the level of my heart (does that matter, really?! If not, it’s 140/90 and nobody seems to give a shit except for the nurse at a recent urgent OB appointment). I have a couple of chronic issues unrelated to (or partially causative of) my weight, such as PCOS and hypothyroidism, but I really DO eat too much. I am not one of the virtuous fats who eats 2000 calories a day and is still a size 22. That’s not me. I often and I know I eat a lot more calories than my body “should” have. I don’t listen to my hunger. I don’t exercise regularly. I don’t eat at McDonald’s, mind you, and I eat mostly healthy food, but I will overeat on caramel popcorn, or chips, or various other foods, although I don’t beat myself up about it afterward (except for maybe a little bit in secret).
I am a really BAD fat and there don’t seem to be very many of us, so it’s a little lonely, even in the Fatosphere! Are all of you really as virtuous as you claim or am I really the only one here who DOES overeat, and who DOES have an eating disorder, and who DOES struggle with self-acceptance, and who DOES know that nobody will ever mistake me for non-fat, and who DOES fail to exercise regularly? Hello?!
* Flickr is down and all my pictures are at home, so there is no photo-rich Taciturn Tuesday today, alas!
Heidi – umm….my thoughts exactly.
I LOVE FOOD. I am the fattest person in my family AND I’m taller than everyone in my family. So no matter what, I tower over and around people at family functions.
I eat when I’m nervous. I eat when I’m stressed. I eat when I’m bored. I eat when I can’t sleep. My husband has to talk me out of going downstairs to the kitchen to get something to eat at midnight even after eating a large meal because he knows that it will only make me feel worse and give me bad dreams. I always clean my plate. I’m an emotional eater and I believe that is what has caused me to get and stay fat. I also don’t like exercise. I’d much rather curl up on the couch and play video games or read a book.
But I’m trying to stop beating myself up for that. That’s who I am. As long as I’m trying to improve myself in other ways, like thinking differently about how I see myself, or how I treat other people, or just growing (no pun intended) generally as a person, I think that’s pretty damn good.
So, what I’m trying to say is – I’M WITH YOU!
All of this is the baggage I get to bring with me to my therapist and nutritionist every couple of weeks and it gets heavy! Learning how to let go of the guilt that I’ve carried around on top of it all is the hard part.
I’m glad you’re out there, Sylvia!
I don’t know how old you are, Heidi, but I felt the guilt and frustration all throughout my twenties (and way before that) but as I got older, I just got tired of hating myself so much. It was too much work, and not any fun. And I’m still working on it. Blogging certainly helps!
I’m glad you’re out there, too!
I hate exercise. Granted, most forms of exercise are logistically difficult due to my health problems. If I really, truly wanted to, though, I could do things like strength exercises, yoga, exercise videos, etc. But I don’t. That stuff is boring.
I do like to go for walks around the neighborhood with my sister and her dog. And I like to walk in the park, or do the super-easy-kids-and-elderly trail in the local wilderness reserve. There are interesting things to see when I’m outside, I’m not just staring at a wall in my house and counting reps or watching an annoyingly perky instructor on the TV screen. But I don’t get out enough for my walks to count as regular exercise.
It’s shocking, I know, but I’d rather do something fun than something that’s both boring and sweaty.
As for being content in my body… I’m working on that. Sometimes I think I’m the hotness and that Baroque artists would have loved to paint me, and sometimes I see myself in the mirror and want to cry.
I definitely feel for you, especially in the exercise area. I don’t like to exercise. In fact, I despair of ever finding “enjoyable movement.” I’d rather not be moving. Bad fattie!
LIES! ALL LIES DAMN IT! THE FATOSHPERE’S SCIENTISTS HAVE CONCLUSIVELY PROVEN THAT CALORIC INTAKE AND EXPENDITURE HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH OBESITY. READ UP ON THE “SCIENCE” BEFORE YOU POST HATEFUL DRIVEL LIKE THIS.
Tara – I approved this even though it struck me as a bit on the trollish side because I do think the Fatosphere has an issue with people NOT admitting that there’s a significant number of us that DO have emotional eating issues, and who probably would not be anything like the size that we are if we didn’t have issues around eating and exercise.
That said, I do have two conditions that are scientifically proven to slow my metabolism. PCOS and hypothyroidism are a combination familiar to many fat women, who have to deal with the fact that taking in fewer calories than we expend is made infinitely more difficult when our calories expended even when exercising are lower than for other women. Both are also fairly common conditions, which makes the fat-hating drivel of “just exercise more and you’ll lose weight!” even more laughable.
It’s a Catch-22. On the one hand, I AM an emotional eater and I do really struggle with a hatred of exercise. On the other, I also have health issues that are probably at least in part responsible for my size. Either way, it can be upsetting to feel like I’m not a good enough fat person even for the other fat people, so to speak.
Oh yeah – I think I’ve heard of this “tara” – an infamous fatty troll!
Well, to a certain extent Tara has a fair point…in that as someone who is fairly new to the Fatosphere, I feel so guilty every time someone posts about how fat they are despite running marathons (or doing an hour of exercise every day) and only ever eating organic produce and free range meat and here I am being sedentary, overeating on caramel popcorn (although I need to remember that it’s hell on the gums) or Lu cookies (hey, at least they’re French and don’t have HFCS, right?), and going to hell in a fat handbasket.
We DO exist, we “bad” fatties, and there’s no reason why we shouldn’t be loved too! I don’t think, however, that that’s Tara’s message
Frances over at corpulent.wordpress.com had a great post about this once. I can’t find it right now, but basically she says”I’m fat because I love food. You can kiss my ass”. Of course, I’m paraphrasing, but I love that attitude. Does exercise make me happy? Sometimes, but doing other things makes me happier. When I think about my favorite food, I smile and get excited. When I think about jogging 2 miles, I want to kill myself. So I can either be happy with who I am or pretend to be someone I’m not and die unhappy.
What I find so interesting is that even in the safe environment of the fat blogosphere, we sometimes feel left out and inadequate. I often wonder if/when I will ever be good enough, and then I have a good ole self pity party for myself and try to move past it. I guess I would qualify as one of the “virtous fatties” because I do eat well (mostly) and I do exercise daily (mostly), but y’know what??? It doesn’t matter because I’m still fat, and every once in awhile, I absolutely eat more than my body needs–just because it tastes good. Or reminds me of home. Or is something I only eat once a year–like stuffing and gravy on Thanksgiving. (YUM!!!) What I’m trying to say is that there are no harsher judges than ourselves, and it just doesn’t get us anywhere. I would never call myself a “good fattie”, or a “bad fattie”. (Good Lord, do we really need anymore labels???) I do what I do because I feel better when I do it. That’s it. And I have to echo Sylvia here because in my twenties, I was so much harder on myself. In my forties, I just don’t want to spend that much energy hating my body or my imperfections or the fact that I can’t control myself around my sister’s vegetarian lasagna or a really good cheesecake. Crap; I can’t control myself around ANY cheesecake. Or lasagna, for that matter, but I digress…….
FA is a journey, and we’re all in different locations on the same path. Good days, bad days, whatever–we’ve only got one body and one life. It’s up to us how we spend it.
Nobody is so perfect they can point a finger at you and tell you how to live! You obviously contribute to your family and friends and society in general–such as having your wonderful blog. Anyone who expects you to account for yourself to them can get stuffed!!
Having a blog can make one feel like a poster child. Putting my weight in my blog URL certainly makes me feel that way sometimes
Lesley at Fatshionista just wrote a post on “being the elephant in the room” that I thought was relevant:
Do *I* exercise? Yes. Can I understand not exercising? Hell yes, I did it for years. Why do I do it now? Because I feel I’m at the point where if I don’t exercise I won’t be able to walk. Have I lost weight? Nope.
BTW, I do know Rachel at the F-Word has an Eating Disorders feed on her sidebar along with the Fatosphere feed.
I feel immense pressure, both in and out of the Fatosphere, to be one of the ‘virtuous’ fatties. I will admit, and it shames me a little, that I’ve overexaggerated my virtue more than once, or at least minimized my ‘bad’ behaviors. I’m sure I’m not the only one.
The truth? I’m somewhat active by necessity, because I can’t afford a car, but that doesn’t stop me taking the bus if I’m tired or just don’t feel like walking. Also I’m an engineering student, and by the time I’ve taken on 4+ hours of homework a night, the thought of doing anything but passing out in front of mindless tv is too exhausting. I eat reasonably well, even though again, can’t afford top-of-the-line organic produce and such as more than occasional treats, and dangit I really love to eat in considerable volume. I binged in secret on junk food for years and it’s a hard habit to break. I look in the mirror most days and think, ‘if I could just lose 20 or 30 pounds I’d be socially acceptable and everyone would love me.’
I don’t mean to make it all about me, but I guess what I’m trying to say is that reports of virtue are often exaggerated, and that even health is not an acceptable measure of a person’s worth. You are not alone!
I’m far from virtuous. I like food. I like fast food. I like regular soda. I don’t go to the gym, I prefer to get physical activity from the occasional walk or frequent dancing in my room to high-energy music. Does this make a bad fattie? No. It makes me a human being.
I don’t want to hijack the thread here, but as one of the other fatties (I don’t want to say “good”, because I’m not and wouldn’t try to claim to be), I have to confess to being slightly envious. I really do jog 3.5 miles 3-5 times/week, dance 1-2 times/week, do some yoga, and eat 1500-1800 calories/day – all whole-grain, low-fat, mostly homemade, and mostly vegetarian food. My thyroid is normal, my blood pressure and cholesterol are low, and yet I still wear a size 14/16 (BMI ~33). I once went so far as to spend 6 months eating a 1200 calorie low-carb diet while exercising 1-1.5 hours/day on 5-6 days/week – without losing a pound. My family are all much larger than me (sister >300 pounds, parents >400), so I guess my efforts have kept me below where my set point probably naturally belongs. But it’s incredibly frustrating to know that I basically can’t lose weight anymore, no matter how hard I try, while knowing that others could, and while also knowing that people assume, based on my size, that I don’t either exercise or eat healthily.
Anyway, I think there’s enough space for all of us under this tent. Not everyone here in the fatosphere is what you’re calling a “good” or “virtuous” fatty, just some of the most visible (e.g., Kate Harding). And we all face the same problems and prejudices, regardless of our dietary and exercise habits.
Viajera – Well, according to some Health Police, Kate Harding can’t be healthy because she smokes.
This is one of the problems with trying to label people; we aren’t all that simple to label…
I totally quoted you today. I hope you don’t mind.
Sylvia mentioned that I’d written a post about this, and here’s the link http://corpulent.wordpress.com/2009/07/04/i-eat-therefore-im-fat/
The most difficult thing is justifying myself to people who aren’t fat. The fat acceptance movement seems to advance it’s cause primarily by saying “Fat people aren’t necessarily unhealthy” so I feel like I let the team down by owning up to being one of the unhealthy fatties. Even my sister (who’s an Australian size
said to me after reading my blog “Your arguments would have more merit if you SHOULD be this size.”
Fuck that. No they wouldn’t. Because the point of all this is not “Look at how healthy fatties can be!”, it’s that we – all of us, skinny and fat alike – deserve respect. The point of all this is that we should all feel good about ourselves for what our bodies can do AND for what our bodies look like.
PS. That
should read 8 ). My sister is an Australian size 8, close bracket.
living400lbs – exactly! Nothing, and especially not any aspect of human nature, is ever as simple or black and white as people would like it to be. If there’s one thing I wish everyone could understand, it’s that there’s natural variation in everything. It helps keep life interesting!
Here’s the thing. Regardless of what your current habits happen to be, you have to have the genetic capacity to be the size you are. I guarantee you there are thin people out there who are just as “bad” as you are, but couldn’t attain your BMI if they tried. They can have a dozen beers, or whatever, and it never shows up on their flesh, so never take any shite for it (other than for maybe showing up at work hung over the next day).
Conversely, even if you did everything “right,” whatever the hell that means, you might not be anywhere near “normal” size, because you may not have the genetic capacity to be that. But people are stuck on the idea that weight is entirely a function of personal habits, and that’s not anywhere close to being true. Also that there’s one way of eating or living that’s “healthy” for everyone, which is also false. (What of those 95-year-olds who say they love Twinkies and pork rinds and never exercise? Does Poppy Bush still hate broccoli?) And we pay a terrible price for people believing that personal size is a matter of personal choice. It costs us everything — healthcare, education, lovers, friends, employment, you name it.
And even if you eat what you think is “too much,” there’s no safe, reliable way to make yourself less hungry. People can ignore or trick their way out of their hunger signals for a while, but most people can’t ignore them forever, at least not without being paid millions of dollars a year to do it. It would be so much cheaper and easier if I could live on half as much food as I eat, but that’s just not going to happen.
I don’t think it’s a moral issue. you’re a bad fat if you go on murder sprees, eating or exercise don’t have anything to do with it.. That said, I have some sympathy for the desire to say “see, we don’t spend all day on the couch eating 5 big mac supersize value meals like your stereotype says fat people do”. I get being annoyed at stereotypes that are not someone’s experience. I guess I just want to say to both sides “people are all different, and that’s okay-good or bad doesn’t come into play here.” yeah, I’m an idealist like that.
I may be an atheist, but I can still quote the bible: “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” I’d rather throw pillows, thank you very much. Mad pillowfight! Voom! Um, too little sleep methinks.
Anyway, you sound pretty normal to me. Everyone eats more than they should sometimes. Plus, I hate formal exercise too; chasing my kids, dancing while I do dishes, and a bit of gardening is my extent of exercise. Also I have the example of my husband, we’ve been together for a bit over twenty years. In that time he’s gone from an active healthy 300 pounds to a chronically ill (severe joint pain) sedentary 350 pounds. He’s always eaten less than I do, though he likes a higher fat diet than is usually prescribed. What he eats and how much exercise he gets clearly has very little effect on his weight. Over twenty years nearly everyone puts on some weight, call it only twenty pounds due to age, and you still only have a difference of about 30 pounds for the lifestyle change. He’s also easily the fattest person in his family. Sometimes you just get the gene combination no one else in your family gets. I had hormonal problems staying pregnant. Thank goodness no one else in my family has had that. I had gestational diabetes too, no other history of diabetes in my family at all (and I’m not the fattest member of my family, middlish I’d say). Maybe I’m the lucky one with a particular mutation for my particular problems, maybe I’m simply the only one to get that gene uncovered by a different one that negates it. Who knows?
I’m also a bit baffled that you say you only have two medical reasons to be fat, the PCOS and the thyroid deficiency; in my book an eating disorder is also a medical reason.
But at any rate, you are fat. I am fat. Discrimination and hate of fat people is a cloud we all live under, even in our own psyches, no big surprise considering the pervasive cultural norms. I mean, expecting us to go immediately to loving our fat selves without reservation is like expecting to take a girl from Somalia, telling her she’s free and equal, and expecting her to happily wear a bikini to a beach. Ain’t gonna happen.
I am a terrible fat- I gained three sizes just from sitting on the couch and eating too much cheese and noodles. I don’t really overeat or have discorded eating, but I do eat a lot of junk food. Way more than I should. I have lost some of the weight- and I want to lose more! Bad fatty!- but I know the only thing holding me back is not exercising. Why don’t I exercise? I’m lazy! I am the stereotypical fat girl, although I have energy out the roof and don’t get tired/hurt easily. And plus, I don’t even know if I qualify as “fat” by some standards- I’m only a size 18. I fit quite comfortably in all chairs, even airplane seats. I’m not genetically predisposed either. I have teeny, tiny bones. So with those two things combined, I wear my fat exceptionally well. So I’m not even that fat, even though I eat not-so-good foods and sit on the couch all day, don’t exercise and want to lose weight. The only way I’m a “good” fatty is that I think I’m super freakin’ sexy, and don’t think I should have to apologize to anyone about my weight. I’m a damn hot chick with huge boobs and an hourglass figure. And in that sense, if the FA community doesn’t think I’m “good”, they can go kiss my not-so-fat flabby ass!
It is indeed tricky to point out the inaccuracy of fat stereotypes without shaming people who aren’t the polar opposite of them. I agree about exercise–I’d rather do something that is remotely enjoyable at all with my time. And I eat dessert with both lunch and dinner! Virtually every day! So (although I reject hard and fast rules as inimical to the idea of intuitive eating) I suspect I fall on the Bad Fatty side of the line, inasmuch as these are both things I have felt pressure not to do while reading the fat-o-sphere. But lately I have really noticed that the fat-o-sphere is full of widely varying opinions so it’s not surprising that I think some of the people are just jerks (not you though) or sometimes unintentionally acting like jerks (also not you).
See Heidi? You’re not alone. In fact, I think you’re a bit of a hero for putting this on your blog.
The way I see these things, we’re all trying to get by. Some of us have more self control and some have less. Some of us are naturally energetic and some are naturally quiet. Some of us are less prone to addiction and some more. Some of us have emotional needs that are through our friendships or counselling or exercise or career, and some have emotional needs that are met most readily through food. Some of us have medical causes for weight above our genetics and others don’t. All of us have different genes that would make us all different weights if we were otherwise exactly the same. It’s unfair to judge anybody for how they live their lives.
That said, I don’t think anyone really means to exclude, other than the HAES site, which has a health-oriented agenda. As someone noted above, the stereotypes of fat people can be infuriating, and hurt everyone, but if there are aspects of your life that fit the stereotype, it hurts to have someone say “we’re really not that repulsive!” My guess is that people who don’t fit the stereotypes are more likely to put it that way than to say “stereotyping fat people is wrong”. Maybe your post will help people to be more careful with their tone.
Full disclosure (if it matters): I eat lots of sweets for emotional reasons, feel horribly guilty about lack of exercise, dress in whatever I can afford that doesn’t pinch anywhere, and continue to gain five to ten pounds a year without ever reaching a “set point”. My fat acceptance goal is to stop thinking about it.
I am definitely what some would lable a ‘bad’ fat. I eat what I fancy, when I fancy it. I spent most of my life since the age of 13 up until about a year ago (I am now 31) when I discovered the FA movement. I don’t excercise and I don’t eat my 5 a day. I don’t eat wholefoods. I eat meat everyday (red meat at least 4 times a week). I am a UK size 24. At my largest I was a 32. At my smallest, when I got married, I was a UK 14. I do have the capacity to be smaller, but it made me so miserbale, living on tiny portions of ‘real’ food and massive salads without any dressing. I forced myself to walk for miles even though it made me miserable and achey.
I have really bad knees. I had bad knees when I was fat before, I had bad knees when I was at my smallest, I have bad knees now. When I was a size 14 I went to a specialist. He told me I needed to lose more weight to ease the pain, despite the fat that I told him they hurt as much at a size 14 as at a size 30. It was the first thing that really opened my eyes to the fact that fat gets blamed for everything.
My BP and cholesterol is good. I am not pre-diabetic.
One thing now though is that I do not binge anymore. Not the way I used to. When I hated my body I would sit and eat for hours. I would go shopping for my binge food then get home and eat it all, bars and bars of chocolate, crisps, packets of biscuits, pies, cheese, fizzy drinks – you name it. Yes, I still overeat, often until I hurt, and not always because I am hungry, but THIN PEOPLE DO THAT TOO. Now that I am more accepting of my fat, and growing to love it, I don’t need to binge. If I am a bad fat I don’t care. I am a happy fat and that should be what matters.
To me, the most important thing I gained out of fat acceptance was not the knowledge that plenty of fat people eat healthfully and exercise – I mean, I sort of figured that already. The important thing was the message that whatever your habits are you are a human being who deserves to be treated with respect and dignity. That is the biggest and most resonant message to me. Whatever your size, however much you eat, none of that shit matters. There are no qualifications. No one has an obligation to “be healthy” and no fattie is “better” just because zie eats “healthier” than others.
I love food and I am done atoning for that “sin.” I guess a lot of what I eat is within the socially-determined bounds of “healthy” because I was raised on it (have a parent who is a cardiologist), but plenty of times I will eat tater tots dunked in mayo for dinner and if I have ice cream at home I generally polish off the whole pint. And you know, I’ve been able to observe from the way my eating habits and body fluctuate that these things are why I’m the size I am; I know I gain weight from eating a lot (that said, I do not lose weight from eating significantly less). I ain’t apologizing. I try to live in a way that feels good for me from every angle, to take care of my mental, physical, and emotional well-being (note I didn’t say health; I’m fucking sick of the judgment loaded into that word). If that means eating as many cookies as my body asks me to, damn straight I will.
Not sure that you want to hear from me, but I’ll comment anyway. I got fat from disordered eating, mainly bingeing. For the most part, I was always a moderate exerciser (getting around by bike and walking), and I ate “normally”, except when I didn’t. I used to eat huge fatty meals to numb out, and when I wasn’t dieting or bingeing, I still ate larger amounts of food that I needed, because my stomach was used to that. Somewhere along the line I participated in a 10-week study for BED, where we learned about some cognitive therapy sort of stuff, and after about 10 years, I managed to incorporate it into my life. I’m still not happy or fully functional, but it is no longer expressed with food. It’s not as easy to lose the weight as most people like to think, (or at least not for me with my history of dieting and genetics) but I love exercise, and I regulate my eating by finding other ways too sooth my emotions and comfort myself, not by rules or any outside influence.