thank you for this.

it is shocking how INVISIBLE a fat woman can be to so much of the world.

Then I lived in Central America for the last 1.5 years, where street harassment is orders of magnitude worse than anywhere I’ve lived in the States, even though my weight had started creeping back up. I finally (after repeated gropings, marriage proposals from drunk old men on buses, and other squicky situations) realized what women were complaining about for so long. It’s really not a compliment – it’s creepy.

That, combined with a rather traumatic divorce earlier this year, and next thing I know I started putting on weight. Although I didn’t do this consciously, I believe – at some level – I was doing this to rebuild my armor and protect myself. I’m still not ready to be noticed, let alone be in a relationship again. That extra weight (and the fakie ring I’m still wearing, and – I’m sure – my attitude) are doing a pretty good job of keeping the men away, for better or for worse, and I’m just fine with that right now.

But yes, it was a strange realization that I do feel so protected by my size and like that invisibility while also having so much self-loathing surrounding it. What was surprising to me was how few people commented on it even existing over on any of the SP posts (namely, this fat-invisibility).

I don’t register on most men’s radar either, and never did, except for the one year I spent in Europe in college. That year I got hit on all the time, I think due to cultural differences and also just because I was out walking around and taking the bus/train everywhere. It was exciting at first but after a while I just felt vulnerable. It was hard to tell what guys’ intentions were so self-defense took over and the flattery quickly wore thin, especially after I was followed home one night. I’ve come to appreciate being semi-invisible now that I’m fatter, older and happily married.

To me, the context of the come-on is the problem. There’s nothing anti-feminist about wanting to be desired or for someone to be intrigued by you, IMO. That’s just human. It’s just more problematic to get hit on at random in public by someone who only knows what you look like. There’s a much better chance that their intentions aren’t good and the whole interaction is fraught with well-founded suspicion.