On Oppression and Boob Nazis
Jul 10th, 2009 by heidi
I actually really dislike the term “boob nazis,” much as I generally dislike the way the term “Nazis” gets tacked onto anything that seems even vaguely restrictive, never mind the actual connotations of the word, which are far more sinister.
I recently discovered one woman who changed my mind slightly, however…
I belong to several parenting communities on Livejournal. One of them is an attachment parenting community. For those of you who don’t know what AP is, in a nutshell (from this site):
The term Attachment Parenting originated with pediatrician, Dr. William Sears to describe a philosophy of parenting based on creating a strong emotional bond between parents and children. This is thought to be the foundation for healthy adult relationships. This type of parenting was inspired by Attachment Theory, which basically states that a baby wants to be close to another person…In essence, it is about opening up to your baby’s expression and needs so that you grow a wisdom about how to react in a given situation in a way that is most positive for you and your child.
Dr. Sears lists 8 ideals for attachment parenting. These are:
1. Childbirth preparation
2. Emotional responsiveness
3. Breastfeeding
4. Baby-wearing
5. Co-sleeping
6. Separation avoidance
7. Positive discipline
8. Balanced family life
The idea of AP is a good one. That doesn’t mean that Dr. Sears is above reproach, however, in the way that he creates a mythos around what AP will accomplish. As the mother of a colicky, high-needs baby, I spent 14.5 months of my son’s life feeding him every two hours almost around the clock. Around 9-10 months (my sleep-deprived memory doesn’t remember exactly when it was), my son started spending one night a week with my in-laws. This permitted my husband and I to get the blessed, blessed sleep that I needed to keep functioning. That one night a week, if he needed night-time feeds (and of course he slept through earlier for my in-laws than he EVER did at home), he had formula, because I could spend 45 minutes pumping and get less than 2 ounces of breastmilk, ending up horrendously engorged in the process (the only time in my entire breastfeeding life that I got engorged, incidentally).
A woman on the AP community posted a question about whether or not we AP parents felt envious of non-APers, who (apparently), just leave their kids willy-nilly. I told her that, although my son was exclusively breastfed during most of the week (except for solids after 7 months), he took formula one day a week if necessary when he was with my in-laws, explaining that this gave us the break we needed to carry on.
Pandemonium ensued. Two rabid breastfeeding advocates were outraged that I called it “exclusively breastfeeding” even when I qualified that it was not “breastfeeding exclusively” but rather “exclusively breastfeeding six days per week and formula one day per week.” I was accused of changing the English language to suit my (nefarious?) purposes.
It all culminated in the following commentary by the worst of the lot:
- Why on earth are you in an AP community if you aren’t aware or don’t care about the fact that babies matter and so does how they’re fed and how it affects their physiology?
- It matters to other people because breastfeeding matters to more than just the mother and baby. BF is a socially responsible thing to do: it results in healthier, smarter people who cost society less and are able to help society more.
Leaving aside the insanity of claiming that a baby who has been exclusively breastfed for the first seven months of his life until the introduction of solids and who has formula ONE DAY PER WEEK maximum (again, WHEN HE’S ALREADY EATING A WIDE RANGE OF FOODS) has suddenly had all the health benefits of breastfeeding sucked away, the notion that breastfed people cost society less and are able to help society more than formula fed people knocks me out.
I was breastfed. I was raised on organic food that was never touched by machinery (hurray for living in the West African bush, eh?) and because of my myriad health conditions, I’ve already cost society plenty. I’m DEATHFAT! and I have hayfever (apparently breastfed children NEVER GET OMG FAT! and don’t have allergies. Ever). My son has eczema (another thing you’re not supposed to get if you’re exclusively breastfed) and had it from well before anything but my milk ever passed his innocent lips.
If you want to call it that, I’m a burden to society (well, except for the part where I work full-time and pay my taxes) and I was breastfed. What does that, in and of itself, say about the assertions made by Ms. Priss up there?
Because I believed that Dr. Sears was RIGHT when he suggested (however obliquely), that an attachment-parented child would not cry, would be cuddly and loving, and somehow coast through life on a cloud of swirly, wubbly wuv, I thought it was my failure as a parent that made my baby high-needs. I thought it was my fault when I struggled through the darkness of post-partum depression and had to shut myself in my bedroom and scream because if I didn’t get away from him, I would have physically hurt my child. I thought I’d scarred him forever by leaving him to cry himself to sleep two or three times in his life.
So, considering I nursed that child from my breast for 22 months, 7 of which were spent in constant two-hourly feeds all day and all night, even when my nipples hurt and I wanted to shove him off the balcony, I’m damn proud of my breastfeeding journey. I claim the title “exclusive breastfeeder” (even without qualifying that it was with solids after 7 months and a bit of formula after 9 months). I reject the idea that, in letting formula pass my child’s lips even once per week I’m raising a child who will be a drain on society and contribute less to it than a child who didn’t have any formula at all in their lifetime.
I am pro-breastfeeding…but I am not a boob nazi. I understand when formula is necessary and I passionately feel that to be an attached parent, the most important thing is to respect a child’s happiness and do what is best for both child AND parent, whatever that may be…and that being happy and loving is the most significant factor in that parent’s ability to care for their child. What a sad, sad thing that there are women who would look at my breastfeeding journey and see even one single hint of failure there, either on my own part or in my child’s future. What a disgusting thing that any such woman could claim to be the respectful, loving role-model that parents who follow the AP philosophy are meant to be.
Shame on them.
The shame is theirs. The shame is not mine. The shame is not that of any parent who has chosen to give their child formula, either part- or full-time.
Breast is best, except when it isn’t, and it is not up to ANY WOMAN to decide what is best for ANY OTHER WOMAN.
Dang. Yeah. Man. “Whatever works” y’know?
Gah. Women in my family CANNOT breastfeed. It leads to really nasty nipple infections, which is just bad for both baby and mother. I was bottle fed pretty much exclusively. Formula. Which also allowed my father to take over some of the feedings, and, y’know, actually BOND with his infant child. *Also it allowed his wife to get some damn SLEEP.* I am disgustingly healthy. Last time I took an IQ test, I scored in the 140 range. Yes, I’m overweight, and yes, I have pre-diabetes. Those are both GENETIC, and occurred in my breast-fed family members, too. And yes, I am high-functioning Aspergers’ Syndrome positive. That’s my dad’s side, and again popped up in breast fed relatives. In other words? Sure, there are a lot of good reasons to breastfeed, but if it’s not possible or it’s not the best option, it’s not the end of the world. It’s not even close.
In other words, those people are flat out WRONG, and you know damn well what you’re doing. Thanks.
Forget Nazis. It sounds like those two “advocates” are just boobs, period.
ugh, anyone telling any total stranger how to live their life is always total BS. I’m can really relate to the way you feel right now after being internet-yelled at by those hags.
And can I just add that I have never had any breast-feeding? My mother had that infection Ellen speaks of. And look at me, IQ of 134, never been to the doctor except for migraines, not allergic to anything, only slightly obese (and I come from a long lone of chubby people); I am not costing society one dime. It always makes me wonder about those supposed benefits of breastfeeding…
Not that I’m against it. Seems like a natural thing to do. But if I get that same infection my mother had, I won’t feel guilty about not being able to breastfeed my child. He/she might turn out like me, which is just fine.
Parenting zealots are a lot like anti-fat zealots, taking a basic “X is optimal when possible” concept and turning into a religion complete with fiery hell for anyone failing to live up to X at all times. Yuck! I bought into it with my daughter. Sears was my Bible, and I felt like shit that I couldn’t breastfeed because of medication I was taking. I grew to hate Sears with a near-uncontrollable passion over the next couple of years, as I desperately tried to get some sleep and cope with my constantly screaming child (turned out to have asperger’s, which often involves sleeplessness and sensoral hypersensitivity in early childhood) but felt like a crap mother for wanting a break. Eventually, I figured out that you can find an expert that advocates pretty much any option for handling any situation, and that kids usually grow out of a troublesome behaviour before you ever solve it (leading many people to believe that whatever the last thing they tried was “worked”).
By the time my son came along (took me almost four years to believe I could handle a second dose of that), I had learned to tell parenting experts and advocates to stuff it. The boy appears to be a bright, charming active 6-year-old, but he’ll undoubtedly start murdering small animals before he dies of poor health at the age of eight.
I wish there were parenting communities as generally supportive as the fatosphere, but I don’t see it happening.
My oldest was physically unable to nurse. I tried pumping but my milk supply never really came in and it dried up entirely at 6 weeks post-partum despite everything my lactation consultant had me try (herbs, Reglan, you name it). So I had to supplement with formula at first and then switch to it entirely. My 2nd and 3rd were/are exclusively breastfed.
Aside from the not insignificant cost savings and convenience of nursing, I don’t see any differences between my formula fed and breastfed kids.
What a blessing that, in this time and place, parents who struggle with breastfeeding have other safe and appropriate options.
Yay for breastfeeding!
Yay for having alternatives when they’re needed!
Yay for parental sanity!
I was a bottle-fed baby back in the late 1960’s…a time when about 75% of all US babies were fed commercial baby formula. It’s sure is sad how I (and most of my tragic generation) turned into pathetic parasites that contribute nothing to society. *snort*
I’m so sorry you had to go through that frustrating exchange with those idiots. But at least you got a brilliant post out of it!
I wasn’t breastfed at all (which I’m pretty glad about, to be honest), I’m the only member of my family at my generation to have not been breastfed, and…. I’m the only member of my family to have completed any further education. I also have no allergies whatsoever (I am fat, admittedly).
Kinda throws that unhealthy, non-productive member of society schtick out of the water.
You parasite, you!
Wow, the unproductivity of the Baby Boomer and post-Baby Boomer generations is shocking. Shocking, I tell you.
I’m absolutely in favor of breastfeeding…but I’m also absolutely in favor of parents getting enough rest that they don’t give in to the urge to hear that satisfying splat of child against wall.
As for children’s natures being entirely determined by feeding method or any other single factor, a very wise man once told my mother ‘every child comes into the world with his own little pack of troubles you can’t solve for him.’ If a child is predisposed to allergies or a particular personality trait, chances are there’s not a lot you can do to change it. All you can really do is your best to make them feel secure and loved, encourage them in positive pursuits, and to tend the bodies they turn out to have.
Oh, and BTW, thank goodness for formula! Before it was invented, if a mother couldn’t breastfeed or a baby couldn’t digest breast milk, that was likely to be the end of the child. Now that child can live and thrive. I happen to think that’s pretty spectacularly wonderful.
My brother, sister, and I were all breastfed. My sister is the skinniest of us (she’s a size 4, XS) and she was breastfed the shortest amount of time. None of us were given formula and yet both my sister and I have food sensitivities.
Breastfeeding is mostly a VERY GOOD thing…but it’s not a panacea. It doesn’t guarantee ANYTHING about a child. It just is the most complete, cheapest food for a baby. Period. Any other claim ends up sounding awfully bogus after a while…
Yay indeed!!
I suspect that breastfeeding can ameliorate some conditions…but if there’s a genetic predisposition to something, breastfeeding will probably not cure it.
When all is said and done, women should absolutely have as much support as possible to help them nurse but if they can’t, or it’s causing more stress than it’s solving, formula is a perfectly acceptable alternative that women should NOT feel guilt for using.
Having known a woman in my Baby Cafe group whose baby was actually lactose intolerant (for real, not just sensitive to dairy), I’m very grateful for formula! Her baby was constantly sick when she was breastfeeding…switching to a soy formula made all the difference in the world to that little girl.
I like the principles of AP – I do *not* like the zealotry (or, for that matter, the Sears family’s fatphobia).
Yay for you, Heidi! Yes, I know that “breast is best”–for MOST kids, but not all; for MOST parents, but not all. There’s a real danger in lumping every child and every parent and every situation together as though we’re built identically.
But like so many aspects of parenting, it takes guts to say “Excuse me, but…” Kudos to you for doing so!
I was devastated when I couldn’t nurse. I guess I thought it would just work out. The hospital coach wasn’t very helpful. I know I did it wrong because my nipples became too sore to nurse. I called it quits after trying and using mostly formula for the first week.
I was influenced by AP and took what worked for me. My daughter slept with me for a long time and that gave everyone a great feeling of security. Still, there are women who refuse to nurse. I know one professional woman who never even considered it. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love her child any less. My sister actually had a shot that stopped her milk from coming in. Hard to believe but there are still many women who see no benefit at all. Kind of irritating in this day and age that there educated parents who put an infant on a schedule but it is out there.
The best advice I had was from my Bradley teacher. She said that for the first year her wants are her needs. I also get really pissed when people say a baby is being bad or just crying for attention.
I don’t like the word Nazi either. I think it disregards all the suffering, torture, death and destruction suffered by millions of people. My friend refers to such strident people as the Ultra Orthodox. I like that. I think feminazi opened the door to this type of usage. I hate that word on so many levels.
I also think these APers may have been threatened by someone who deviated and too her own path. My smart friend would also say it may not be religion but it sure is a cult.
Heh. I was breastfed and AP’d, and my health problems have cost society a bundle. I’d also wager that I’m not terribly productive in any mainstream, socially acceptable way.
It sounds to me like you’re doing an excellent job of parenting. And, let us not forget the immortal words of Dr. Sears in the Attachment Parenting Book: “…do the best you can with what you have.”
I think Rachel said it best – they’re just boobs.
Sorry, everyone, “I never had breastmilk and I’m fine” is an anecdote and doesn’t mean anything, in terms of what you can conclude about formula. Formula does cause health problems, this is clearly documented in population studies as well as in individuals (example–formula causes small tears in the digestive tracts of newborns, increasing risk of infections. Thus exclusive breastfeeding is safer than mixed feeding when HIV is a factor). *It doesn’t mean there aren’t good reasons to use, like described here and elsewhere!* But it doesn’t mean we have to twist facts. Doing it late and in minimal amounts, like described here, is the safest and minimizes the risks to very low.
I’m still not comfortable with overuse of “nazi”–just because it applies to a situation you’re unhappy with, doesn’t mean the use is justified.
“I’m still not comfortable with overuse of “nazi”–just because it applies to a situation you’re unhappy with, doesn’t mean the use is justified.”
It’s not entirely justified…but at the same time, claiming that a formula-fed baby will not contribute to society as much as a breastfed one is, to my mind, creating a dual-class society. Those who are presumably “better” and breastfed and those that are less productive and more of a drain on society, the formula-fed.
I certainly am in no way saying that breastmilk is not the ideal food for a child. I exclusively breastfed my son for the first seven months of his life. I *am* questioning anybody who tells me that someone who has been fed formula is societally less acceptable/less valuable, and that is exactly what that woman was saying. She was not saying that breastmilk is better…she was saying that a *breastfed baby* is better.
I don’t buy that. I just don’t.
Formula is not poison. It is not the best foodsource for a baby but it is not poison. What is poisonous is the notion that parents differently than you do is creating a parasite.
I breastfed mine; but it isn’t always possible, I was lucky. I did get mastitis badly, but we worked through that, poor kiddo I was so swollen and hard that it was nearly impossible for him to suckle. I was bottle-fed myself, Mom wanted to breastfeed, but the information her doctors gave her was flat out wrong (don’t let the baby nurse more than every four hours and only for ten minutes at a time, she got no milk in, unsurprisingly) and it failed through no fault of hers. She was also told not to gain more than fourteen pounds with me, her first; and she was not overweight. There was a lot of bad advice back then. I still managed to get through life so far without tripping over my own feet and falling in front of a train.
I find that anytime a child is difficult, that the parents get blamed either for being abusive or for not disciplining them or just being clueless, often at the same time. People just don’t understand high needs kids. Difficult personalities and high needs kids are often inborn and not changable. Such kids are simply a lot of work and exhausting; and rest is a prequisite for dealing with them. If a once a week formula feeding kept you sane, that was the right choice absolutely. I have a nephew with autism, and he is very difficult, it’s not due to my sister’s parenting; she does a spectacular job and he’d be a lot worse off in many hands; but simply to his genes. Two of my own are ADHD and good well-meaning kids; but their impulsiveness is not due to my parenting, which had a lot of attatchment stuff ( co-sleeping, 24 hour on-call nursing etc.). It’s their biochemistry. My eldest is depressed, no surprise, both his parents are; and we knew it and could see the early signs and get him the treatment he needed.
Hope that wasn’t too long, it’s a hot button issue with me that so many people seem to believe that autism, adhd, depression and other child mental differences are fairy tales made up by bad parents and/or created by bad parenting.
Ok, how weird is this? I am on that AP community, and I remember that post. And I remember saying something to the OP, I don’t even remember what, saying that formula isn’t easier (since I formula fed), and I remember your comment – but I didn’t see the shitstorm that came afterwards.
I am so unimpressed with what that woman said to you, and it shows such a lack of logic. Hoo boy. I was so unimpressed that I posted this (which will probably get the OP or someone else on my back, but I don’t care)
“how dare you.
how dare you say that because I was unable to breastfeed my child (oh yes, unable, and that is none of your business why or how I tried), that my child is *automatically* going to cost society more and help society less, that he will be less smart and less healthy.
So far, my toddler gets sick less often then the other children in our neighbourhood OR his day care, he consistently is above his age range in speaking and physical skills, and as he has parents who are teaching him about compassion towards others and how to be a useful part of society, I can guarantee you he will not be a burden on society.
How dare you insinuate that breastfeeding is the only right thing to do for every family, in every situation. How dare you tell any woman that the choice that she made – while trying to do the best for her child – is the wrong one. Way to go, pushing down mothers in a culture that does that just fine on it’s own.”
Oh, and I found you through the fatosphere (on the side thingie of Kate Harding’s blog, actually).
Oh yeah, AND. I was fed rice cereal with corn syrup on it, and apple juice, from 1 month (and formula otherwise). And I am a very healthy woman. I don’t have any allergies – but I am sensitive enough to not need full amounts of painkillers and to notice the taste of aspartame and to need to avoid pesticides (or I get headaches). But I’m healthy. Yes, anecdotal evidence is just anecdotal, but it is still evidence that not “ALL” formula fed babies are sick. What am I sicker than, exactly – homo superior?.0
how privileged for the people who can conceive naturally/do not choose to adopt. lucky them that they can gift their soon to be perfect children with the food of the gods… breastmilk. how could anyone choose to adopt knowing their child would become such a horrible burden to society due to the lack of breastfeeding? and of course, the poor women who can’t afford to stay home with their children shouldn’t bother having any since they can’t be with their kids 24/7 to breastfeed on demand.
/sarcasm
in all seriousness though, it’s great if a parent chooses to breastfeed. and it’s great if someone can stay home and cater to the baby. but the world doesn’t end if that can’t happen. basically, the boobnazis were calling every adopted person a burden on society… every single mother/father a failed parent. and that’s patently ridiculous.
I believe very strongly and passionately in breastfeeding, as I believe you do too. Research is very clear that it offers numerous benefits beyond formula. The more you read the research, the clearer it becomes that breastfeeding is the ideal in SO many ways, for both mom and baby.
That said, I get very impatient with the fascists who are so fanatical that they have no flexibility for different circumstances, no compassion and empathy for folks in difficult situations who must make difficult choices, and who have such a rigid definition of what’s acceptable that they torment people who don’t meet their exacting standards. Come on, a little compassion, people!
FWIW, I understand how difficult a challenging child can be. My first had terrible terrible colic, and because of many varied reasons, breastfeeding came *thisclose* to failing for us. Fortunately it worked out, but luck had a lot to do with it. And I totally understand how difficult pumping can be. Even with the best pump available, I could never pump very much at all. I had plenty of milk for nursing, but not for pumping. It’s not the same at all.
And in that situation, if there’s a separation, you just gotta do what you gotta do. Sanity is important too, and sleep is a significant component of maintaining sanity. If this is truly what you needed to do to maintain some sanity and be there the rest of the time for your child, then it’s what you needed to do. End of story.
Breastfeeding does not have to be all or nothing. Too many people think of it that way. It’s best for mom and baby generally if it’s exclusive, but sometimes circumstances dictate something in between….and that’s okay too, for heaven’s sake. Parenting is about being attached and loving, yes, but sometimes it’s about flexibility and sanity too. Everyone has to find their own road on this, what works for them.
Good on you for not letting them intimidate you.
Consuela, I’m not saying breastfeeding is bad and that formula is good. I totally accept that breastmilk is better when it’s available. It’s just that personally, I’m happy that I wasn’t breastfed, and I don’t see forumla as a bad thing *when it is used appropriately*.
The thing is, breastmilk isn’t always available. My mum didn’t breastfeed me because she couldn’t, and if it wasn’t for formula I’d be toast.
I just had to add my voice here — I found some of the ideas of AP helpful when wanting to raise my daughter differently from how I was raised, and when I wanted to nurse her beyond the first year, having the support of a whole group of people was helpful. But I worked full-time (Mr. Rounded stayed at home and was ill part of the time) so I felt plenty of guilt for not being an around-the-clock mom from the Sears books. I’m glad I didn’t participate in any AP online communities, that would have eaten away at whatever little sanity I had left.
You are absolutely right that formula isn’t poison.
I’ve seen hordes of lucky, healthy, wealthy moms criticize others who face breastfeeding and baby-raising problems they’ve never even dreamed of – and certainly don’t make allowances for.
Breastmilk isn’t a “miracle”, it’s just one option. A myopic focus on the value of breastmilk while dismissing the value of the people involved seems… backwards to me.
Dr. Sears LOVES to preach empathizing with your child.
What about empathy for other MOMS who may not be so lucky?