I was startled to find myself on the Fatosphere feed yesterday as I skimmed over my communities list on LJ. I’d asked to be added (albeit just with entries tagged “fat”) but didn’t expect it to happen as it had been so long. Of course, it was Ciaran’s birthday post and completely lacking in relevance to FA/SA (fat acceptance/size acceptance) and I feel like now I need to frantically make an FA post to redeem myself in the eyes of the Fatosphere.
Having seen one of the comments over on one of the posts about the Fat Chat feed lamenting how there are people who don’t “deserve” to be on the Fatosphere feed (presumably because they don’t always post about FA?), I feel even more paranoid.
Anyway, I have been meaning to post about the most courageous thing I’ve done recently (other than being a fat person eating where people can see me), which is that I finally got around to looking for a nutritionist and therapy.
I don’t like to admit that I need help. One of those things we TCKs learn early on, rightly or wrongly, is that we can’t count on people to help us. When you’re a four-year-old little girl sitting in a pickup that is driving through a village that you can’t remember ever having seen in your life, where you can’t understand a word that anyone else is saying, you realize pretty dang quickly that you are alone in this universe. No one, and nothing, can be counted on to remain the same and be a constant support except for you. No one else is doing it for you, so you’d better suck it up and do it yourself…and, most importantly, since your parents are taking care of two other children and are coping with culture shock of their own, you certainly shouldn’t give them any sign that it’s upsetting you and thereby add even further to their worries.
Anyway. I deal with things on my own. I do not allow my depressive phases to affect my quality of work. I do not let on that things are not right, even when they aren’t…and all of that feeds, literally, my dependence on emotional eating.
So. For the first time in my life, I’ve looked up nutritionists and therapists that are covered on my insurance. I’m going to go see a nutritionist about my PCOS (if she ever returns my message, that is). I’m going to ask her about compulsive eating disorder. I’m going to see a therapist who specializes in dealing with disordered eating. I’m going to get help.
And it’s bloody terrifying. I can ask for help at work when I need it; I was hired because I like to work independently and prefer to take a project and run with it but if I need backup or have a question, I can ask. I ask for help in other ways too…but admitting that I need more help with eating than all the FA books that I have read can give me is scary.
There’s more than a little arrogance in it too, as I will readily admit. I’ve been in therapy. Some of it has even helped. I have a hard time believing that anyone has anything new to offer that I haven’t heard before or can’t think up on my own. I’m very good at looking at my problems in a logical way. I know that my eating is emotional and that I’m doing it because I don’t have other ways of working through difficult emotions. Of course I’m aware that I frequently eat when I’m not hungry and eat past the point when I should be full. What nobody seems to be able to tell me is what the heck I should do about that…and it is difficult for me to really believe that someone can.
I am so very tired of compulsive eating. I don’t binge-eat like so many people seem to do. I’ve never gone through a whole bag of chips in a single sitting (well, not a bag larger than a single-serving, that is). What I do is nibble, nibble, nibble all day long. This isn’t as prevalent at work – I’m busy with my job and I don’t need to eat out of boredom. I have my set lunch time, am hungry, and eat something. The same just doesn’t seem to be true at home. Even at work, however, the issue of not knowing when to stop is a serious problem. I’m generally not in pain when I stop eating but I do have the compulsion to finish everything on my plate…because it tastes good? Because I’m afraid that when it’s gone I won’t be able to have more? Because?
Those are the questions I have and can’t answer by myself. It’s hard to have faith that anyone else has the answers either, or can help me find them.
I’m working on feeling comfortable in my own skin. What I’m not okay with is my apparent inability to listen to my body, so I’m asking for help. I just hope they stick to the Health At Every Size approach that both the nutritionist and therapist’s websites proclaim they do. This needs to get better and I need it to get better as fast as it can possibly happen.