Polite, yet firm
Feb 17th, 2009 by heidi
In the last couple of weeks, the INFJ-L listserv has been having a discussion on religion that, while generally polite, has pushed a lot of people’s buttons, including mine.
I don’t ever go out of my way to have a fight, but I also won’t hold back on voicing an opinion if I feel the need. I am, however, exceedingly careful about word usage in an in-depth discussion or response and it matters very much to me that while I may, occasionally, very subtly express dislike of someone’s attitudes, I do my best to limit commentary to their opinions.
What this means is that I agonize over nearly every word I put into type. I write, re-write, and then edit multiple times. It matters very much to me that I’m saying exactly what I mean to say and no more or less…and that I’m courteous in so doing.
Today I wrote the closest to a flame post to the list that I’ve ever done…and the reasons why I’m so careful have become abundantly clear to me as I recognize the physical toll it takes for me to be mean to someone. My hands shake. I get the shivers. I alternately feel vaguely superior and vaguely ashamed that I’ve given in to a base desire to get back at someone rather than taking the high road.
I’m not sorry for what I said…anybody who screams “STRAW MAN!” every time someone responds to him and then (intentionally?) misquotes someone else’s position that differs from his own sometimes needs to be spoken to in language he can understand, if he’s incapable of understanding courtesy. I’ve been told on the list by several people that I’m too “gentle” and that we (wishy-washy) INFJs aren’t being honest, but manipulative, and will never make a difference.
That may be so…but to paraphrase Puddleglum in The Silver Chair, I would rather say my truth tactfully and honestly, and live in a universe where people expect each other to be respectful, than have the “gift” of being hurtful without caring.
It’s when I give in to that base desire to inflict harm that I’m showing the worst in who I am, not the best. I rarely live up to my expectations for the person I should be…but I am always grateful that I also rarely give in to the very worst in myself too.
Edited to add: Just got an e-mail response from the guy in question. I deleted without reading – my stress level doesn’t need it!
