3 December 1998

Heading Towards Zero

My mind, is akin to an empty slate as the clock ticks closer and closer to the end of the the day, the end of the semester, the end of the year. Perhaps it's because of taxing it overmuch in the academic weeks which have gone by. Perhaps it's simply because last night insomnia stalked me like a hungered beast.

It's immaterial. As the mecury slowly drops outside, feeding the cold into the world, bit by bit. It's not just the world outside which is heading for zero. I am too.

Purposelessness is a heavy burden to bear at any time in life. Right now it just seems to cut very keenly because I believed that I had found a good way to combat it in my life. AS it turns out, academia is not the answer to this problem.

It's an internal problem, one which requires attitude adjustment and the renewal of faith. Faith in the self, faith in the spirit, faith in whatever it is that has meaning to me as a person.

Fatigue, doubt, worry, uncertainty and impatience are the enemies stacked against me. It is up to me to intelligently choose the ways in which to defeat them.

There is a demoralization which takes over when a person has been stretched to thinly. A soft, slow abandonment of hope, a concession to despair.

I just need to find the right torch to follow back into the light.