30 September, 1998

Worries in the Rain

The pain throbs just behind my eyes and through the middle of my skull. It is insistent and demanding, it saps my attention and my energy until I long to lie down and sleep.

Sleep, elusive, sleep. She would not visit me last night though I was very tired. At 4am I thought perhaps I caught a distant glimpse of her, but found that it was only Shara, (the cat) come to wake me, for she was hungry. With her purr in my ear and her paws kneading my hair, I stared longingly at the clock, knowing that in just two short hours I needed to be awake and aware, up and about, running for the bus and work and yet another day in the city.

Looming over me is the deadline for my first "real" graduate school paper. A short one, to be sure, only five pages, but it is not finished and I am nervous. I keep re-reading portions of the text, reading more bits of textbook, trying to assure myself that the basis of my reasoning is sound and supported. It's only a response paper, not a great piece of writing. Just a response paper, I keep reminding myself, to hold the nerves at bay long enough to concentrate on actually writing.

I held my pounding head between my two palms this morning, leaning my forehead against the coolness of the pre-dawn blue window fo the train, I hoped that that the soft vibration of the glass would be soothing. The world was a sea of rain-washed night giving way to day. Buildings loomed up out of the darkness, their lit windows shining out like beacons on some great ship, sailing through murky fog-laden seas. A nip of fall is int he air, but still the humidity is crushingly present. I could not even wear the light, pocket wind-breaker which I bought at the university book-store without breaking into a sweat.

My heart is heavy these days. Heavy with fear of failure, with many questions about my decisions and worries ... more worries than I can count. Too much on my mind, too little time to sort it out and no sleep. No sleep in sight.

How on earth am I going to make it through this semester?