25 August, 1998

Troubles

As I was saying. I am not a programmer. Returning to work this week, has already in two days, been one of the worst weeks I've had yet. A new system installed requires fine-tuning, training and much thinking about how things work.

But I am too insecure in my own knowledge to unsure of how and what to make confident statements and worry too much about whether I'm saying the right thing or not. These are things which must be said though. So I plunge on blindly trying hard to make sense of this tangled web.

Lack of sleep and general unease and fatigue aren't making things any easier. Each step begins to seem insurmountable as I struggle for words and gasp for breath like a fish stranded on the shore. I am terribly out of my depth, with only half-baked ideas of what should be going on and not enough pieces of the puzzle.

And it shows and I'm afraid of annoying people because I want to make the process smoother and I want the process to be accurate. In so doing I have to put crooks in the wheels to make everyone stop what they're doing for a while. I have to make them stop and look and make sure that we're all really looking at the same things so that the answers to their questions will be in the right context.

My pained looks, apologies and general ineptness must make me look utterly incapable and pathetic.

Please ... I just want this to work itself out soon.

Because I have a husband-to-be and a gaggle of kitties to care for and classes to take and pies to bake and all sorts of life to live.