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23 July, 1998 Just Holding On
It's in this moment, hold on
For some reason, this song inspires me deeply. I've had it running thorugh my head ever since we buried Sacrifice (the stillborn kitten) and it was in my head again when we buried Mephisto (the runt kitten). It has beautiful music, haunting and lyrical and the words just capture that feeling of gentleness and hope perfectly I think. So there it is. Wish I could put it up in Real Audio for you ... The heat has been fierce for the past few days. High humidity turning the air into a global sauna, making it hard to breathe and even harder to stay awake. I've been sleepy, not only from lack of sleep, but because the heat encourages somnolence. When it's this hot, the body simply does not want to exert itself. It goes into hyper-efficiency drive, or rather, hyper-economy drive, conserve everything. You'd think I'd lose weight just from the heat, you know, sluff off the extra envelope to cool down. If I should be so lucky. I'm in a strange frame of mind. My thoughts are kind of sliding by me like glassy waves on the beach. Whoosh! Here comes another one ...and there it goes. Probably one of those effects of being too tired. I did not get any writing done today, which frustrates me. But I did clean up the house, so I feel more confident about welcoming Sabs' aunt and uncle who are in town from France. Hrm. That's another area of contention: why is it that I only get motivated to really clean, when we're either a) expecting company, or b) I simply can't take it anymore? See if we did ongoing maintenance, the big cleaning days wouldn't be such a big deal. All we'd have to do is vacuum, dust, wash the bathrooms and mop the kitchen floor and we'd be done, instead of having to do mounds of laundry, dishes and go hunting amidst the piles of crap everywhere for random objects which we either need, or need to put away. I think it's just one of those things which qualifies housework: a global truth, only the truly disciplined do it when they don't have to. The rest of us only do it when we have to and under protest. As Sabs would say "I've got so many other, better things to do than clean up!" He has a point, on the other hand, I need a clear space to do all of those other better things, so it goes hand in hand with keeping the house clean. And I'm nervous about a web birthday party. Don't ask me why. I've been so excited about it for the past two weeks. Now I'm scared out of my mind. Rooms full of people I only know from on-line and who don't really know me at that. Ack! It's almost like going to a scifi con and asking for autographs. But not quite. Because see, I'm more interested in actually speaking face to face with some of them ... seeing how they put their words together when they don't have time to think about them. See how they do or don't move their hands when they talk ... you know, stock up on visual impressions to make the text come more alive.
See I've just kind of been holding on until the end of the week. I feel a collapse coming on. I'm just too tired. I could sleep for a week and never notice. My dreams have been too intense, the heat too omnipresent and my sleep schedule too erratic.
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